My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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