You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
