it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
