sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
