Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
How's work?
Spinning.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
