Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
