i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I think I just sharted jello shots
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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