i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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