i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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