At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have fence marks all over my body
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
