why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
