I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
