everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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