bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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