Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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