I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well I just put wine in my tea
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
