Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
