I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
