he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
