your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
