Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
