They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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