A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
