i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
