where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
