a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
