Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
