She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We need to get me chipped asap
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
