I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
