I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
