did you get engaged???
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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