if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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