btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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