Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
