I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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