It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
