I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
