a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Jerry, you need to find god
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
