yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
