either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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