Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
