I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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