Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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