I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
