he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
