mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
