if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
