I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
