I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
