you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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