So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
